My Wish

I wish I was so many things that I never was. That I never will be. I know there is a person out there who wish they could have all the things I have, and there is another person wishing they had all the things another has. We hold on to what we never have or what we had, but let go of. Sometimes we are at peace, smiling with each breath. Sometimes we rage at a god that no longer exists for us. It all depends on the tint of our minds and what we have lost. The depth of it. But there is something beautiful in the yearning, something comforting in the distress of it all. We spill blood and soak pages with words, notes, paints, drawings. We make sense of it all by cutting deeper and ripping out the fear to make room for the knowing, and whatever that might bring. There are so many things that I wish that I was, but I hold on to the hope, that someday, I will be the one smiling.

the just before

We were sitting on your couch, watching some movie I always wanted to see. But it wasn’t about the movie. The movie was just a buffer, a way to stretch time. I laughed and your hand slid from my shoulder to my chest. Not to grope but to feel my heartbeat on your fingertips. You leaned in close, the intensity of your eyes made my breath hitch. The TV screen was a blur, and I forgot what was so funny. I spoke, words tumbled out of my mouth trying to distract you from how hard my heart was thumping. Instead I was distracted. My eyes drawn to your skin, exposed by my shoulder pulling down your shirt as we sat and watched. Pretended to watch. It made my mouth water. I hazarded a look at your face. You were lost, not in the movie, but in the texture of my lips. I swore I could feel the pulse of your thumb as you rubbed it against the swell of my breast. I was stuck someplace between going home, and marking that pale spot at the base of your neck as my own. Limbo, to escape it, I asked for a mint, forgetting in my nervousness, how suggestive that could sound. I threw mine in my mouth, rolling it around to buy some time. You gave me a smile took one, and ate it in one bite. Decision made. No more feeling the static against my skin, the thunder came with you crashing your lips against mine. It was bliss.

Disgraced

Chained to the plush carpet

by shiny metal rings

that chime with every shift. It is not abuse, it is

a safe space

where the curious public are prohibited

from throwing popcorn and gawking at my

hideous visage (born

from the sensuous dance of self-loathing and shame)].

“You’re the hardest chapter I ever wrote.”
— Drkatattack

Maybe

I just want to be happy while doing something for monetary gain. But, I’m afraid that such a thing does not exist. Or that it does, and I’m too busy cowering from failure or looking too far to notice. Maybe it’s a necessary sacrifice. Maybe I should find happiness in other things. Maybe, I need to swallow my fear and actually accept what the universe has told me, time and time again.

Once in a while, good things come to those who wait

For me, contentment has been the hardest emotion to capture. But today, I think I felt it. Walking with the wind blowing, making the air comfortably cool. Trees bright green and so alive, the sky gumball blue, and the sun benignly toasting my skin. Everything felt just so. I even smiled with no one around to smile for or to. And then I knew, everything was going to be okay, something inside of me just knew.

Relationship Romance

The human body can bend and twist to fit any shape.

My leg between yours,

my arms crossed and pressed between our chests,

X marks the spot of our unearthed love.

Your left arm snakes under the space

between my neck and the bed

leaving your left hand to lay on my shoulder,

fingers idly rubbing whatever bare flesh it finds.

Your right hand has a hold of my hip,

 a delicious ownership.

Then the piece de resistance!

My head resting

on your left shoulder, my lips barely

touching your pulse,

making every breath a loving caress.

Your head resting

on my temple while your nose is buried in my hair,

and with each inhale I become a larger part of you.

Still, we adjust, we squirm: I cant fully breathe,

                                            your arm falls dead asleep,

                                             we both choke on hair.

But then, I move a bit here, you move a bit there and we find

a position that just fits.

The human body can bend and twist to fit any shape,

giving us the ability to touch souls.

Incognizant

Thirst, I thirst

for so many things, but I am inert,

not aware of my own truths,

swearing that I have none.

I go on, I fill myself without a mind.

I fill myself, not knowing

I am already full.

I feel it though, the hunger,

squeezing my veins for one last drop.

Not Myself

I don’t know how to be beautiful. Mostly because I don’t know how to feel beautiful. Mostly because I don’t know how to see myself as beautiful. But….I do know how to see beauty in you.